I have discovered that we are creatures of habit. Good, bad, and ugly. As we grow, we begin to discover the dysfunction we have been living in, see the lies for what they are, and find ourselves bought with a price for a purpose. I am at a point in my walk where I am challenging everything and beginning to wonder if what I know and believe is true. Lately, I have become very content in my walk which is problem number one. The bigger problem is that there is something that is keeping me from going, something hindering me from wanting to press through. The tools I have learned over the years to use in the midst of trials have become very unappealing to me. The Word which is the lamp unto my feet, prayer, and worship have become second to myself.
Last night I was talking to my friend on the phone and I realized that my thought at this time in life is, "I just want to be alone." The reasons for wanting to be alone are things that I should have long ago conquered. I am a very trusting person and love people with all that I can. In the past four or five months though trying to balance these friendships has become uninteresting to me. I don't want to try at anything anymore. I have become complacent and willing to stay here. The main reason is because I have been hurt once again because of my willingness to open my heart and trust. I am tired of being stepped on and for some reason I have began to hear and receive the lies that God will do the same. Of course I know that is a lie.
Now that I have giving a prelude to what I really wanted to write about here I go...
I have a question for you all....Have you given it all? Have you given everything to God? Or are you still holding on to pieces of your past that have caused pain, worry, stress, uncertainty, and distrust?
That's me. There is a part of me that won't let go. If that's you...you need to let go. To feel the freedom of a new day. A new life. I want to be able to let go of all these things to experience what life could be like. I am beginning to see that this is battle that has been raging for years within me and now is the test. Can I let go? Something I wonder about people is why they choose to become bitter, lost, and confused instead of finding forgiveness, a new perspective, and peace. Hm...I cannot even begin to comprehend living a life full of death. Full of destruction.
Again, I look at myself and see there are parts of me that are dying and they are keeping me from continuing on the path the Lord has for me. I want you to sit and seek the Lord to see what death you have inside of you. Do not become someone willing to be alone like I am right now. I want more but the question I am asking myself is, "Am I willing to let go in order to find peace and prosper?" The answer to that question is simple but my heart and mind are battling each other. One says, "Get rid of this filth," while the other is saying, "Keep it. It will just make you stronger." Now I must choose to follow one or the other. One will lead to rest, peace,and a new perspective and the other will lead to death and destruction.
Seek God at all times. Do not be scared but find boldness. I am looking for it right now. Seeking it out. I pray that the Lord works on your hearts and you find a new freedom.
One last question... Are you willing to give it All? Regardless of the effects, of the pain to get to the peace, and of the emptiness that will be filled with love?
Love you all very much.