Monday, March 30, 2009

disneyworld thoughts

So this weekend I have been in Disneyworld. I realized some things about myself that I need to strengthen and my strengths. I don't know why God works the way he does but either way its amazing! Happiness is within me yet I am very sad about how I treat people sometimes. Sometimes I think that we are tested. And in thise times we can either fail or pass. This weekend in many ways I passed by helping out a friend and just having a blast. At the same time I feel like I contradicted myself because I would say something and then go do it. I guess in all reality.we all fail dailyn I just hate we do. Well guys I guess I'll write more later because I'm typing on my friend brittanys little blackberry keyboard!!!!

Much love and God Bless.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

My Prince.

Who will God place in my life and then one day he will become my prince charming? I am wondering that right now. I know that God has someone amazing and I pray that that person is pursuing God like I am and that once we meet/grow in our friendship we can build a strong relationship with each other with a foundation based on God.

I am praying that God will help me realize that I haven't met or am not ready to know who I am to be with at this moment in my life. I know when the time is right it'll come...patience, prayer, seeking, and loving life....those are things I need to do at the moment.

Random thoughts running through my mind.

Trusting...the Hardest thing sometimes...but...

Have you ever woken and realized that at this moment you are unhappy. I did today. I realized that I wasn't happy...I mean I am overall but some things are so taxing on a person..ya know? I know that all I have to do is surrender to God and pray to him for everything. Trust in Him and things will be okay even though you are going through a shadow right now. I now realize that that is one of the hardest things for me...I believe in my God and His ability to heal and make new. God has met me so much in the last few months and I know without a doubt he is working in my life....he is "stripping away the comfortable and placing me in a place where I can get the best of Him and Him of me." Wow! That's amazing!

The other night the only thing that God would say to me was "SHOW LOVE." Where does that put me? I guess I should figure that out. Being tested sucks at the time but in the end it will be amazing if you pass. God is going to work in your life and mine in many ways....good times and bad. Right now I am dealing with the bad right now and I know that if I continue to push forward and press through the barriers that I have put up and that I have allowed to become part of my life then it will get better in the end. That is my prayer right now. If you are going through a time of doubt, pain, confusion, loss, distraction, etc. all you can do is pray. Sounds easy but sometimes its hard to surrender to someone even your Heavenly Father who already knows the true desires and thoughts of his son/daughter.

I guess the tears will pass and the thoughts will pass and God will be glorified!

God Bless and Much Love

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Getting Lost...Finding Home.

Tonight I left to head to Spring Hill for worship practice for SlowBurn. Little did I know I was about to get way lost! I ended far from my destination. Then as I decided to turn around I found a new road and decided to take a chance....and then another. I then I found my way to a familiar place where I knew where I was. I then noticed I was 9 miles from the exit I started! I then preceded to get off the exit and take the opposite turn....then finding a familiar intersection that led to four different places. Where I had come from....the road straight ahead, to the left and the right. I knew where all of them led me and I chose the straight one but quickly I changed my direction because I realized that the original left option was the most familiar of the four. I took that it and led to a place of memories and familiarity. awesome is that? I mean at the time it was horrible because I was lost but I knew God would get me back to somewhere comfortable and familiar. After an hour of being lost and being in the middle of nowhere I called my best friend Lindsey Pfeifer. She helped me realize that I needed to turn around and go back to where I came from.

All of that being said I realized that this seems to have been my path lately. Like I spoke about the other day about being disoriented...I think this was God telling me to find that comfortable and familiar path that leads to Him and the plans He has for me. There are a lot of twists and turns, struggles, panic, and feelings of being unsure ahead but trust in Him and everything will be okay. I am to lean on those he has placed in my life like Lindsey without getting offended.

Wow! What an eye opening experience a two hour being lost experience will get you. I realized tonight that when God told me to fight...he meant with Him not on my own like I have been the last couple of weeks. Yes, I have been seeking Him and turning to His Word for help but I have been putting too much weight and pressure on myself to fix it. I can't fix it or change anything but lay down what I have at God's feet and forward. Seek Him harder than I have in a long time! Sounds like a plan now I just have to do.

I know that within me is the will to get through everything in my life yet part of me doubts and that is where I know I am being attacked...DOUBT....a HUGE WEAPON of the ENEMY!! I pray against the doubt that is attacking and I pray for security and true knowing that God is with me. I pray that I will feel His persence move in a mighty way in the next couple of weeks...and months...and come! I know my God is the Creator of Heaven and of Earth. I know he is my Father and my Lover. I know he will Never Leave Me Nor Forsake Me! I pray that I will have faith and believe what I know with EVERYTHING I HAVE!!!! God I pray for Faith, Love, Patience, Compassion, The Knowing of Deserving something better than I have.

If you feel faith....and find someone you can talk to!

God Bless and Much Love.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Good Advice

So college...what a crazy thing. First you have no assignments and then all of sudden a flood of tests come your way! Not cool! Tonight I was studying for my Anatomy Lab Practical and will continue to study after I get done writing and I thought to I really wanna study? I texted one of my friend's mom who is an amazing woman of God and her name is Stephanie. =)

I always talk to her about procrastinating because she always just tells me DONT DO IT! Ha...that sounds too easy. I was expecting a text back and then came an unexpected phone call....yay me! She told me I should make a list of pros and cons to see which would be the better route for me. Of course....studying is the smart way to go. We continued talking about whats been going on in my life and how I felt like everything was changing and being taken away just when I thought I had a good balance of school, friends, family, my walk with God, etc. She said that maybe what I think is a good balance might not be that of my God. He might have completely different plans for me. Hm...that made me think about everything that has been going on in my life these past three weeks. I told her I just feels like its been struggle after struggle and she gave me some good meat to chew on. she spoke to me about how sometimes God takes away certain things so that we can get the best we possibly can from Him and with Him. He might and probably won't permanently remove that something/someone but those hard times those struggles could just be God telling to focus on Him. I also talked about how I have been praying to let go of what's going on in my life and I feel like I still am holding on to the ends of it. I then was told that I need to pray that God will let me know when it is being taken so that I can let go of it. I mean I think I have said before that sometimes I pick up things that I have felt in the past and they then affect how I act and who I can be. Lately, I haven't been as bubbly but somewhat sad. Everything seems to have collapsed on my shoulders and I don't like it. I know that life is a learning process and that through life we must lean on God and listen to Him which is something I put on hold when I was dealing with some of my issues these last few weeks...BAD IDEA! I needed to lean in harder than ever before which is what I know I must do now to accomplish my goal to grow closer and fall in love with my God.

I guess that's all for now. God Bless and Much love.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Disoriented and Lost

So its been several days since I have written. I have had a lot on my mind and I guess I just haven't spilt it onto a page. I have been pressing in with God or trying but at the same I feel like I am falling apart. Last night Austin Cagle spoke at Sunday PM where we are talking about Finding True East. True East...the path which God has placed before you. He talked about being the wrong direction. He gave the example of a pilot getting one little degree of course and ending up thousands of miles from the destination he set out to get to. It seems like that is what is going on with me. These past few months I have been growing in my relationship with God and then all of sudden just when He is really working in my life Satan comes at me full force. Not only does he come at me but my friends...which pains me because I am in such a bad spot that I cannot even help them it seems. Maybe just being there is good enough and praying for them.

I am one of those people who loves giving advice and listening to whats going on in peoples lives. At this point, I don't think I could give advice to a rock. Its like there is a really big door and I keep knocking and knocking and I am getting nowhere. I feel like all of these obstacles make up this door and each one is a lock on the door....this means there are a lot of them. Its crazy to think that Satan can throw so much in your face at one time and especially when you are seeking God with everything you have. Suck a duck!!!!!!!!!!! Like for real....I cannot even fathom the evil within him. I will continue to press in and seek God...I will not try but I will DO!!!!

I look at one of my friend's and I seek heartbreak written all over her. It hurts me even more to know that my best friend is going through hard times. I mean life isn't perfect and people aren't either. She is one of the most amazing people to ever walk into my life and I hope that God keeps her right next to me. She doesn't need any attacks from Satan and I pray my hardest that God will take away pain, sadness, hurt, doubt, the thought of failing, etc. I think that together we can stand against the Father of Lies and take hold of our lives. We are strong women of God with the will to win the fight which is exactly what God wants us to do.

Clint Thomas prayed for the other night at SlowBurn and God spoke through him which is what I needed. God is amazing and I know that if I can unlock those doors that I will be able to overcome this dark time. Remember when I talked about being broken and how God was breaking me....I got broken, began to seek God, and am not going through a valley where there seems to be no end. I know I am not the only person in this world that is going through this and I do not feel sorry for myself...I just love God with everything I have. The past couple of days I dont feel like I have done that to my best ability. Last night at PM I worshipped harder than I had in a long time and tried my hardest get past all of the thoughts goin on in my head. I really think that Satan was starting to win this weekend because I fell into an old habit and I felt like I failed all of my close friends. I told them about it and prayed that God would forgive me. I knew within my hearts of hearts that it was wrong but I did it anyway....the temptation was strong and I was weak even though I was seeking God.

Well, I guess I'm gonna go to bed since my besties are wanting some sleep....more thoughts later.

Much love and God Bless

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

With Everything We Seek His Word

I want you to stop and think of a time when everything was perfect....isnt easy is it? There are times in your life and mine where God is moving with an amazing force and then all of a sudden your attacked. Like in my last blog I explained what happened this last week....Now I WANT TO SEEK MY GOD EVEN HARDER, WITH GREATER PASSION, WITH GREATER LOVE! That is where Satan messes up...He can attack but he will not prevail because he is not God. He brings pain not peace. I think you would agree that peace is amazing and pain is never desired by one human being.

Yesterday I was doing my devotional and I had bought a book a couple weeks ago with daily devotionals. I had missed four devotionals do to the distractions and my forgetfulness to push through even harder at the moment. Every single one of them had to do with my last week...even in the slightest. Two of them had the verse of Philippians 4:8. I know verses 6 and 7 because I try and read them every day when I get into car because they are written on a notecard that is on my visor. I cannot forget about that next verse though because it says,"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." That is amazing. Verses 6 and 7 tell us not to worry about anything but pray about everything giving thanks to God and asking him for our every need. Then we will experience peace which passes all we can understand. This peace will then guard our hearts and our minds.

So the three main things you are told you recieve or are able to have: 1. the ableness to pray to God for anything not having any worries, 2. a peace which passes all understanding, and 3. thoughts full of truth, honor, rightness, pureness, lovliness, and!

How could we not want to dig into our word and find things such as this. If we aren't looking for answers in our Word and in prayer but in the world...Satan is beginning to win the battle and God is losing countless to the world.....The answer is for us to fall on our knees seeking God with everything. And looking to His Word for guidance and answers to the questions of our heart. They are there and you might not find them when you first look but God will reveal them to you in time. Seek and pray....always!

God Bless and Love you all!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My Week.

This past week has been a week of pain, sadness, and confusion. It felt like the world was caving in on me. I wanted to figure out why all this was happening to me and deep down inside I knew. I knew that Satan was coming after me full force telling me that I wasn't good enough and all I wanted to do was sit in a hole away from the world and cry. Wow! Horrible solution. So I prayed. and prayed. and prayed. It felt like there was a wall there.

This week two of my close friends found an interest in each other and to me that was a hit bigger than any of the other things going on. Both knew how I felt and I decided within myself that I wasn't okay but I can't stop anything from happening so I gave the go ahead not realizing how hard it was going to be. I talked to one of them who has been one of my really good friends for a long time yesterday and really opened up to what was going on inside my head. I realized that Satan was saying, "He didn't choose you. You are not worth it to him." Well think of how I reacted....I shutdown big time. Not talking or communicating. I just sat there unless a few of my friends were there. I tried to handle it the best I could but what am I supposed to do when I feel like I'm not good enough. I prayed and prayed again trying to press in but it felt like there was a barrier. At Sunday PM I could feel God's presence but I couldn't get past all of Satan's lies that were pouring through my brain. So when I talked to my friend I got a lot of it off my chest and that helped out a lot. I got to really push through some of the things going on. the hard task. I must talk to the one person I shut out more than anyone else the whole week. I explained how I felt and I felt that she heard me but didn't understand. I told her I'm not okay and won't be sometimes realize that but know that I am dealing with the situation and that you can go ahead with the feelings you have. ...therefore I think me shutting down wasn't a terrible thing because it was do that or just be angry to everyone...and thats not fair.

I have a lot of praying to do these next weeks to come where I need to start pressing through this wall that I started building up. TIME. That's what it will take. I just feel like this was just one of the billion things Satan was doing. He also lit a match to the problems I was having with my family. He threw gas on the little fire of doubt he already had going in my mind.

I pray that you stay strong with things going on in your life. I haven't cried or been upset like this in top my week off one of my closest friends left...BACK TO ENGLAND! That kills since he was one person I could let it all loose fronts...not that fronts are good because they aren't.

I don't know if I have handled anything right this week but I hope I have. I pray that God will be with me and work with me.

God Bless and Love to you.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Hearing from my Abba Father.

Tonight was one of those nights where God filled SlowBurn with great intensity. The past couple of days have been attack after attack for me. I was waiting on Kallie to get ready today and I took a walk in my neighborhood. I was walking barefoot which is the most important part of the time I spent with God today before SlowBurn. God spoke to me saying that the rocks I step on when I talk on the concrete are like the little problems/issues you have that hurt you for a split second and sometimes the pain lasts. That is what my issues were/are like. I have to be willing to get over the hurting...walk over the bridge of rocks to the land of smooth sand.

Back to SlowBurn....tonight God really spoke to me in several ways. First he told me, "You have been stepping on these small stones. The stones that hurt for ust a second can leave a mark. Your hurt is deep and you have it to me but every now and then you pick it up again. STOP! I will let you know when the time is right. Satan's attack is strong but I am more powerful than any of his attacks. They are meager to what I can do. I can deliver you, use, and bring you a peace that you cannot even comprehend. Drip me! You will find what I have for you. Do not hold onto the things that hinder you from seeking my name and fulfilling your purpose." Second, he helped heal a relationship between a friend and me. Now we can be friends and build a relationship which God will find more than acceptable!

So basically God is speaking and working in my life like crazy. Satan doesnt like it and he is attacking but I know that God will pull me through.

God Bless. I pray you will LEAN IN and GIVE GOD EVERYTHING!!!

Much love.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Peace and God's Hands

Why can't we grasp that everything is in God's hands....we stupidly try and do things ourselves like we are in control. Yes, we have the will to do things but we should lean on God. These past few days I havent been seeking God like I should and I haven't been leaning in to listen. can I say...I don't know how else to handle it. I wrote about how all I could do was sit there and cry.....I mean that's not a bad thing but why was I not seeking God at that very moment.

I just want everything to stop for a minute and I want to be alone in a place God and I do not have to talk to anyone else...just me and my God. That is what I plan on doing tonight at Slow Burn. I was told I am selfish and I have been told that I do not care about people and then all of sudden its "okay." No talk no nothing. I mean that solved...hmm..nothing. I wanted to talk but it just didnt seem to work for that person. A test...could this be a test? Possibly. God why can't this all disappear???? Why can't I just be with people who don't even think about hurting me? Why do "your friends" hurt you apologize and do it again? I have no clue...maybe selfish satisfaction....and maybe its just because they don't care. I would hate to think that someone doesnt care for me but it happens. I hate feeling so upset, so angry about something. I pray that God's peace will come over me......DEAR GOD LET ME HAVE YOUR PEACE WHICH PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!!!!

The most awful thing just happened. Satan attacked me in a way that he hasn't in a long time. He trapped me in the darkness so to speak where only God can get me out of. It was a numbing and painful experience! To think I was able to ask for my God, "God God where are you?" It one of those moments when Satan is whispering in your ear..."YOUR ALONE AND GOD IS NOT HERE" I knew that wasn't true because I believe with all heart that Christ is my Saviour and Lord and that Christ is within me not the powers of Satan. Cast out I say in Christ's name.....AMEN!!! Thank God for my amazing friend Lauren and her helping hand...and being brought back into the light by my Daddy. =)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Complicated and Tears....Strength and Peace

For some reason I feel like no matter what I do it will never get better. I just want everyone to be happy and content with their lives not wanting to lose or hurt anyone. I am so sorry to those people who I've kept from reaching their goals and getting what they want. I can't please everyone and I don't know what else to do. Why in the world is everything so complicated? It would be so much easier if people wouldn't play with other people's feelings or hurt each other. I don't know what I did to deserve feeling so awful. I feel like I am keeping someone from something but I don't know what to do. Lose a friendship over something temporary or try to work it out. Obviously, its the first one at the moment. I don't get why people complicate situations that aren't that difficult.

I love my friends so much and would do anything for them even if it meant that I might not be happy for awhile. I mean you can't please everyone and I get that but what do you do when your given an ultimatum....stand up for yourself or just walk away.? I would think it would be the first but when your hurting inside all you want to do is walk away. Easy right? NO! It just complicates things and leaves all of those feelings pent up inside you not able to get out....then the bitterness begins to come...who wants that? It sucks. I had let go of all of these feelings and moved on and then the situation comes back like a cannon ball in the stomach. You have no idea where it came from or why but you do know that you need to get rid of it......HOW? Well, thats something that I want to figure out...I want to know how I can feel better about it.....If you have any thoughts let me know.

Actions....our actions are one of the most important things we have. Every moment we live out is an we speak, what we do in a situation, and our reaction to the struggles in life. For instance, today a good friend and I got into a really big fight and almost lost our friendship. I was absolutely crushed and then on top of that I have had a lot with family. All I could do was cry, sit there and cry. I had to let it me and my friend are better and well...God has my family issues. I don't know why I'm rambling....every action impacts someone somehow I an extent. I pray that I have handled these situations correctly but I guess I can only fall to God for pure peace and strength. I think the devil is working double time in me and my friend's life and I think that all we can do is pray and lean on God and each other for support. I guess thats not much about the lesson but I just wanted you to know where I am right now. With all of this I also have to lead tomorrow night at SlowBurn and I am excited but super nervous and I guess doubt is entering my mind about it. Yet another attack. Today is hard and there is added stuff with Nick leaving soon! OH GOODNESS!!! Its just so overwhelming. Why now I ask myself? But I know...Its because I am accomplishing something in my relationship with God. WOW! I guess that's a revelation and therefore I guess my friend is too. Hmm...We should stand strong and let God lead us through this time. Thank you God for your peace which will come with seeking and prayer!

If you ever have a day where everything is going wrong just know its ok to cry and prayer is needed.

Much Love and God Bless

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Love Divine!

Love. Something that I find intriguing. Tonight at Sunday PM Pastor Michael Alfred was talking about "agape" love. He said that means that you have made a deliberate decision to love that've made up your mind. He then said that in 1 John it talks about only Christians know true agape love or can show it. We are called as Christians to show love to others so that we can bring out the best in them. A lot of times I think that we live life trying to please everyone never pushing forward telling the God honest truth. Why? Why please people are lost within the world when we are to help bring them to the light.

I sit and wonder how people can live their lives in a friendship, relationship, marriage unhappy and uncommitted. People like to find the easy way out of everything or they want to fight to make it work but aren't using God's full help. We should fall in love deliberately not by feeling or passion. Of course those things should be in all relationships but commitment and true love is the most important. How amazing would the world even just the United States if we all learned to love that way. That means every Christian showing agape love to everyone they came in contact with. That means no harsh words, patience, truth, honesty, compassion, kindness, forgiveness,etc. How cool would that be?! I think that once we build our relationship with Christ to a point where we are confident and sure that He will never leave us then we can find that peace and love within us. God calls us to AGAPE Him with everything we have and AGAPE our neighbors as let's do it. Once we have accomplished that then we can all TRULY live.

Back to thinking He will leave us. I know that deep within ourselves once we begin a relationship with God we know He is there. I just think that sometimes especially when we are new at the whole relationship with God that we sometimes can doubt that He is there for us always. His Word might say that He will never leave nor forsake us but sometimes I feel that we forget that. We try to put everything on our own shoulders and try to overanalyze and fix everything ourselves. That was me all the time...I would sit and think and think about something trying to fix it myself. I now have changed. I mean I do it sometimes of course because we are imperfect creatures but every single day now I give to God my day and thank Him for life. I have realized that God really can DO THE IMPOSSIBLE! He can fix any problem whether its the solution you were looking for or not and he can give you "peace that passes all understanding." WOW! Let God do that in your life it truly brings a fresh breath and joy to your life.

Tonight we sang one of my favorite songs ever He Loves Us. OH MY! The chorus says, "He loves us oh how he loves us." How true it is that God LOVES us. Not only by agape but by phileo, "feeling" love. That excites me and sets my feet to dancing and my heart to singing. Think about it we have someone who we may not be able to see but can "feel" in a sense and can believe in with everything. So let us live life with joy and let God work and LOVE US AND WE LOVE HIM!!!!!!!

God Bless and Much Love.