So this past week I went to Gulf Shores and just let me tell you that God was there. He showed up everywhere especially at night when Lindsey and I walked on the beach. I can feel His presence but at the same time I feel so far away from Him. I feel like somehow I am running from Him and the things He has for.
Last night God spoke to me and said that there are going to be challenges ahead and that I need to lean on Him because He has everything I need. How true is that? But why in the world don't I receive that sometimes. I was talking to Lindsey last night and I realized how much I make myself unhappy a lot of times. I purposely put myself in a bad mood...I feel like I shouldn't be happy....what gives me the right to be happy?....who gives me the right? Of course the answer is God, my Father and Savior. I cannot figure out why at this point in my walk I am struggling so much.
There is one person and situation in my life that I seem to be holding onto. I am letting the pain get to me and letting it rule my life. I am letting one small problem rule my world...why? Because if I let go of the pain I will possibly lose that friendship forever...it just doesn't seem fair. God told me that this situation would be hard for me but He just didn't say how hard.
I feel like I am going nowhere in my walk with God right now...that I have just stopped...not because I am content but because I don't know if I have the strength too. Taylor's cousin asked why its so hard for me to talk about it...I can't put my finger on it but for some reason to write it down on this page seems easier.
Have you ever felt like you were being crushed by yourself...that you aren't willing to let go and watch God work in your life? Why can't I do it on my own? What will happen if I try to? I know the answers to all of those questions...do I believe them or is it just knowledge.
So here's what God told me exactly..."Do not fear for I am the Lord! You saw my beauty all around you this last week. Challenge is ahead of you, it may seem impossible at the moment to think that you can get through and your right.....I see what's ahead for you and you must seek me. Its scary to lean completely on something unseen...but isn't it even greater that you can...because your Father will be holding your hand...."
To see that and hear it is comforting but to internalize it is hard right now. I think I have put my guard up to everything in my life except for a few people who God has led me to know and trust and confide in. I think that tonight should be an opportunity for me to reflect on what God has been saying in my life and sit and listen to Him. Read His Word and Meditate...worship Him...and like he told me DON'T WORRY!!!!!!!!!
Much love and God Bless....I'm praying that you may get through anything in your life that is hindering your walk with God...and that you seek Him daily.
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